“Hello, everybody. Welcome to Grotesque Grocery Store Injuries, the show where people win prizes for gruesome injuries sustained during appalling accidents in food-shopping forums. I'm your host, Seymour Payne.
“Our first guest is Joe from Morgantown. Joe, I couldn't help but notice that your entire nose is missing. Tell our viewers what happened during your shopping misadventure.”
“Thanks, Seymour. What happened was, I had this craving for lobster, I just had to have one. So I went to this supermarket with a tank of live lobsters flown in from Maine every day. I wanted to make sure I got the biggest one, but there were about a dozen of them in the tank and they were all clustered together, so I leaned in over the top of the tank --”
“And one of them snipped off your nose with his claw, right?”
“Not exactly, Seymour. One of them did grab my nose, but I pulled back so fast that I fell over backward and brought the tank down on top of my head and it shattered.”
“And a shard of glass sliced off your nose?”
“No. I did receive multiple lacerations on my face, but my nose was still intact, with the lobster still hanging from it.”
“How'd you lose your nose then, Joe?”
“That happened while the manager of the seafood department was getting the lobster off my nose. He reached for a pair of tongs, but he grabbed a cleaver instead.”
“Okay, Joe, that's some story. Let's hear from our next contestant, Regina from Julian. Regina, what horrible thing happened to you while shopping at the grocery?”
“I reached into the beverage cooler at the Save-a-Lot in Danville to get a 20-ounce bottle of Diet Pepsi from the middle shelf and the top shelf fell and bruised my hand.”
“And then?”
“That's it. That's the whole story. And now I'm suing for up to $75,000.”
“Okay, well, thank you, Regina, and good luck with that lawsuit.”