Why is everyone laughing at Louis Helmburg III?

The Chinese have an elaborate mobile launching system for their intercontinental ballistic missiles, but it doesn’t compare to the one developed by a member of the Alpha Tau Omega Fraternity at Marshall University in Huntington.

Granted, the first test conducted by self-taught ATO rocket scientist Travis Hughes was a bust. Still, the concept of launching missiles from the alimentary-canal termini (anus) of advanced ambulatory bipeds is sheer genius.

It doesn’t get much more mobile than that. Plus, there are, potentially, more than 300 million such launch sites in America – and no feasible way that China, or any other nation, could defend against all of them.

Imagine a coordinated, simultaneous attack launched from every frat house in America.

Unfortunately, fellow ATO member Louis Helmburg III lacks Travis Hughes’ grand vision and has initiated legal proceedings against him pursuant to the first, unsuccessful test of the launching system.

Maybe it’s professional jealousy. Perhaps the idea originated with Helmburg, or he and Hughes came up with it together, then Hughes jumped the gun and initiated the first test all on his own so he could claim credit.

Or maybe it’s just that Helmburg was the victim of friendly fire, allegedly suffering injury during the abortive launch.

As Adrian Monk would say, here’s what happened: At an ATO frat party two years ago that carried into the wee hours of the night, Travis Hughes attempted to launch a bottle rocket from his rear end, startling the third-generation Louis Helmburg and sending him tumbling off the front porch of the frat house to the ground three feet below.

Helmburg subsequently filed suit in Cabell Circuit Court against Hughes, the ATO chapter, the company that owns the frat house, and the university.

Last week, the circuit judge dismissed the university from the suit because of a procedural error on Helmburg’s part.

Louis III should drop the suit, let the laughter die down, and perhaps consider a name change.